Peace Day

Today was Peace Day at Cambridge House Community College.  Jocy had barely mentioned it and I got an email ( in Spanish) reminding me it was today at 13:00.  I had think I had to take care of and didn't think that it really needed parental involvement on my behalf.  I'm still struggling to find my place within the kids two schools.  It is so much different than walking into a school full of other expats.

Today was a beautiful day, a bit crazy windy, but just the kind of day I needed.  It's 11:30pm and I still have the doors wide open.  It was a great day, until Elly didn't get her way and started the ultimate pout. By the time I had to pick up Jocy, I was kind of cranky.  Fridays are nice and I don't have to worry about finding a place to park to wait on the bus.  So I kind of zoned out while waiting.  I have started daily meditation and trying to find that place I can go to reduce my stress.  It keeps me out of a flare the next day.

Jocy jumps off the bus and fights the wind towards the car.  She ALWAYS talks my ear off the second she shuts the car door.  Most days it is sensory overload for me.  I try really hard to let her go.  But today she was pretty laid back.  Yesterday she had told me that they were to write their wishes on how to bring Peace to the school.  And they were going to hang them from the fence at school.  Unfortunately, due to the crazy wind, they didn't get to hang them.  But Jocy very casually mention that she was selected to read her submission to represent her class in front of the whole school.  I was so proud.  Jocy has dealt will a bit of bullying.  Thankfully, she understood why this kid was a problem and by the next year, it barely was an issue.

When we got home, I asked her to read what she wrote.  And I was absolutely beaming with pride.  And sad that I wasn't there to see her.

Jocy wrote on a peace sign, " I wish for... no more rude behaviour, less arguments, for people to not leave others out and to accept others as they are."  I am so utterly proud of that crazy smart girl.  I have always told her it is important to be kind, treat others the way you want to be treated.  I have had teachers tell me how wonderful she is with new kids and how she is always kind and interacts with everyone.  But to know she stood in front of her whole school (age 1 year to Y 13) and their parents and read this, I am feeling truly blessed.  I guess I have done an OK job with her.

A life without ...

Diapers that is.  I don't do without much. :)  My husband takes very good care of me.  Maybe a haircut here and there.  Moving on.  I am potty training for the last time.  At the same time it is exciting yet sad.  Milly is no longer a baby. Sigh.  My last baby is almost a preschooler.  Where did the time go?

Milly has been ready for potty training for quite a while.  We were working on it before we left Spain.  We bought her a potty seat and step.   She does OK if I kept up with it.  Then we went back to the States and it got put off again.  But then she decided she wanted to use the potty.  So after the battle of her wanting to fall in the toilet, my mom picked up a potty chair.  That was a fun battle as she thought it was a plaything.  And that the powder room was now HERS.  She loved walking in on Grandpa using the bathroom.  Finally, the door started to get locked.  We let her keep trying but we knew going back would mess her up.  She was at about 60%.  She even made me take her while we were out and on the plane!  But sometime during out travels, she decided she HATED public toilets.  Like throw down screaming tantrum.  But she kept asking.  It was very frustrating.

Now we have been back for a bit, I decided full on assault.  I want her to start school in the fall (thought about even sooner) and she needs to be potty trained.  We had bought her new underwear in the States.  Even Frozen!  She did well.  Only a handful of accidents.  Except for #2.  Dear Lord, it was awful.  And I got the joys of cleaning it up every time.  I finally gave in and just started throwing her directly in the shower.  This did not bode well with Milly.  So then she moved on to she would only poo in her Pull Up in the middle of the night.  Which then started middle of the night wake up and she then thought it was party time.  Mommy was NOT happy.

Finally, with bribing of Kinder Eggs.....  we are 2 for 2 in the potty!  It was a great day!  But the one thing I forgot about the beginning of potty use.....   the thousand times a day when she needs to go!  No matter where or what you are doing.  I got the joys of her screaming at me while completely soaped up in the shower.  Fastest shower ever.  But I am happy to say our diaper buying days are pretty much over.  Hmmm.... what to do with that extra 40E a month????

Trying to find a balance

The last two weeks have been a struggle for me.  This week much more.  Joel is back in full launch mode.  He didn't get home until 10pm last night.  He joked that if they asked him to work on Sunday, he was going to tell them he has spent more time with the VPs than his kids.  I'm very happy about that.  We are planning to have people over for dinner.  Our first entertaining with our stuff.  So hopefully it is easier.

I have had a heck of a time getting out of bed.  The beginning of the week I was just exhausted all the time.  I somehow managed a full night of sleep too.  I can't remember the last time I slept like that.  A few years ago?   My body is constantly aching and I'm freezing cold.  The only time I am warm is when I'm on my walks.  Then I'm sweating like it's 90 out.  And everyone here thinks it is freezing and wearing heavy winter coats.  I had to laugh the other day when one of the school ladies made the comment of it being cold.  It was 50 degrees F.  I told her that the last place we lived in the States it was currently -30 Celsius.  She stared at me like head fell off.  She said no wonder your kids are always complaining they are hot.  So I don't get reprimanded when my kids are wearing short sleeves or no winter coat.

I keep trying to push myself to get this house finally organized.  I'm so close.  All the Christmas stuff is packed up and I'm so close to looking OK.  We still need to hang a few pictures and come up with a plan for the TV.  The owners don't want us to hang it if we are leaving in August.  I don't blame them.  But no being settle does not help my anxiety at all.

I just have to say I am an all out mess and not sure how to fix it.  I'm sure once the weather warms back up, I will start feeling better.  I felt great all summer long.  And I have got to find a knowledge massage therapist.  My goal for next week!  Now it is time to put little bit in bed and jump on the treadmill!

The F word

I have been debating about writing this post for awhile.  I don't tend to share my problems with many people.  In fact, very few people original knew about it.  Even those that know now, were because I needed help.  I don't ask for help very often.  I have to be in a bad place to ask for help.  I have been called Supermom by many.  I can get thru ANYTHING.  It was my identity.  How do you deal when it is taken away?

Over the past five years, I have changed.  Physically, mental, and emotionally.  It was a slow change.  I just thought it was from having all these kids with busy schedules and a workaholic husband that tries to be helpful but not home or exhausted.  We have had a ton going on the last five year.  Then I noticed a bit more change after we had been in Istanbul for a year.  The breaking point seems to have been last January when Milly spent a week in the hospital.

I am not posting this to get sympathy.  I'm posting it to get it off my chest.  Let it be known.  Trying to deal with my guilt and the struggle I face daily.

In May 2014, I was officially diagnosed with Fibromyalgia.  Feb until the diagnoses, I was a complete and utter mess.  I could barely get out of bed.  I couldn't focus to hold a conversation.  I was starting to worry about my focus to drive.  And in Istanbul, that is flippin' scary.  I was exhausted ALL.THE.TIME.  I HURT ALL.THE.TIME.  Not shooting pains, but constant dull uncomfortable pain.  My foot and wrist would not heal.  I was gaining weight and eating nothing.  I couldn't ride in a car because my anxiety was out of control.  I had thought it was my postpartum but it never stopped.  Anything stressful, my body would just shutdown.  Finally, I knew I had to do something.  I couldn't live like this.  I called up my favorite place (Acibadem) and told the lady my issues.  She made me my first of many appointments.  After MANY blood tests, ultrasounds, etc, I was told I need to see a Rheumatologist.  This lady didn't speak great English so she was explaining it all in Turkish and my dear friend Ilknur translated for me.  I just didn't understand.  I didn't have arthritis.  It's muscle and nerve pain.  So, we made an appointment for a few days later.  I went straight home and google Rheumatologist.  And then I knew.  Crap.  Fibro.  That thing my mom said she had.  I kind of knew what it was.  But she didn't have the same issues as me.  I'm 35, I can't have it.  Wow was I wrong.

The woman I saw was great.  She said if you have a parent with it, you have a very good chance of having it too.  And it won't be the same.  No ones is the same.  She stopped checking trigger points at 15.  She didn't even have to ask if they hurt.  She suggested yoga, daily exercise, massage therapy, seeing a nutritionist and Cymbalta.  She said it would take a few weeks before I noticed a difference.  I had to go back and make sure my liver could handle it and then we would see where we were at.  I promptly went to the Chemist and got my drugs.  I started that night.  I really had no expectations but I hoped for just relief for the anxiety and fog.  The next morning, I felt like I different person.  Issues that I thought were part of getting older, gone.  I could actually get out of bed and walk to the bathroom without any effort.

So here we are Jan 2015.  My meds are still doing their thing.  Not quite as well, but I'm unwilling to up my dosage.  Not yet.  Thank the Lord, my anxiety is almost gone.  In really stressful situations, I still have to stop and breath.  My pain is still around daily.  But no where near what it was.  And usually just at the end of the day.  My trigger knots are flaring a ton.  I had found a fabulous massage therapist while we were back in Louisville.  If I could see her every week,  I would be in a much better place.  It is a daily battle.  I'm walking everyday and doing yoga.  I notice it helps.

So that is where I am at.  I hate that I can't do the things I was doing.  The weight is the biggest struggle.  And getting thru the day.  Thankfully, a 2pm nap makes it doable.  I'm going to keep working and not let it beat me.

Sunday Funday

My ass.  Today was planned to be a fun family day. We were going to go roam the city and eat out for lunch AND dinner.  This week and next week are bad weeks for the hubby.  This week he only got to see the kids when he got home twice.  And one was Friday.  Next week doesn't look to be any better.

 I had one kid home sick this week. The first day she was a mess.  I think she only left her bed for an hour.  She talked me into staying home one more day.  Ugh.  She should have gone to school.

 A few days ago Milly started fighting sleep.  Thursday night she decided 30 minutes after I went to sleep that she wanted to play til 4:30am.  And last night, was similar.  She said her ear was hurting.  The one that landed her in the hospital last year.  Crap.  She slept on Joel for an hour and then we tried to convince her to sleep with us in bed.  She managed about an hour.  As soon as Joel got up to get ready for work, so bounded out of bed and started running thru the house.  By 8:30am, all four kids were out of bed.  Today is going to be a LONG day.

There is actually SNOW predicted for this evening.  At first they said 1-3 inches but I don't think it will happen.  It is still very cold out.  I did not think this would happen in Spain.  Looks like the crap weather keeps on following me.

Top it all off, I think I'm dealing with a mini flare.  Maybe I over did it with my workouts and cleaning at the beginning of the week but the pass few days, it has been hard.  I'm so cold, achy, and just want to sleep.  I need a vacation without my kids to somewhere warm!

#expatkids

Tonight as I was getting #3 and #4 out of the shower, I handed Nate his towel and he yells, "MOM!  My towel is cold!"  Um, What?  "Did you put it on the warmer thing?"  No it was hung up over there.  "Ugh, you have to make sure my towel is on the warmer on shower night."

Wow, I never thought I would be having this this conversation with my 5 year old son!  I posted it to twitter and looked for the hashtag expatkids.  What?  It doesn't exist.  I'm sure I'm not the only mom out there that thinks the things that come out of our expat kids mouths aren't crazy!  So now its out there!

I have a Consuela

When we returned to Valencia, I was informed by my cleaning lady that she would no longer be working for me.  She was pregnant!  With Twins!  I was very bummed.  She was so sweet and we communicated pretty well.  Her some English and me in my horrible Spanish.  But she also got my hand gestures very well.  She wasn't Thess but I was happy.  

So this new lady that replaced Sabina..... Wow.  She can clean the whole house in three hours.  It took Sabina 6.  OK, so I like this lady.  But she speaks no English (working on it) and she speaks so fast I'm lucky to get a word out of it.  Thankfully, we have moved on to Google translate.  She is super nice and she loves the kids.  

When my mother in law came for her visit, she asked me what the cleaning lady's name was.  I had NO idea. I'm so horrible!  So Jackie introduced herself and found out her name is Consuela.  I had to giggle because it seemed like a cliche.  Having a maid name Consuela.  LOL.  

But she is doing fantastic.  And today she mentioned, she likes the way the house was.  We are getting much closer to being settled.  I'm hoping to enjoy it for at least six months all finished.  Then she asked me if I like cleaning.  HAHAHAHAHAHA  If I liked cleaning, you wouldn't be here.  But I do have to say that we have been implementing the new rules and the kids are doing much better keeping their rooms clean.  And the mess in the playroom isn't horrible.  Today, she basically said the house was too easy!  Not bad for a HUGE house with 4 kids and 2 dogs.

Christmas 2014?

I had high hopes for Christmas this year.  The last three were spent traveling and making due in other peoples houses.  No massive amounts of baking and only a slightly decorated house.  For someone who loves Christmas, three years in a Muslim country is a bit rough.  But like most of the world, even Istanbul is being sucked into Santa.  The last year, Istinye Park, could have been any mall in America.

Anyways, when we knew we were moving to Valencia, I said we are staying HOME for Christmas.  Why leave a perfectly Christian country?  And Catholic to boot!  Then I could decorate to my hearts content and bake away.  I could cook BIG fancy dinner with MY stuff and actually have the seasoning to do it.  I was so excited of all the crafts and Christmas things we could do with the kids.

Then we got sent back to the States.  For three F'ing months.  Yes, I am bitter.  They took three months of my time in Spain away.  That only gives me 9 months!  Ugh.  OK ok.  We all know I am bitter.  Moving on.

We flew back Dec. 13th.  Halfway thru the Christmas season!  Yes, we did stuff at my parents.  They decorated the tree with my kids and watched some Christmas movies.  We saw Christmas lights and went to the thing at the Galt House.  But I just couldn't get into the Christmas spirit when all I wanted to do was go home.  We managed to get the kids back in school for a week before the holiday.  Nate got to participate in his Christmas show.  Which was pretty cute.  Nothing on BISI shows though.  And they all got to go to their class parties.  I spent that week unpacking our 9 suitcases, 7 carry ons, shuffling rental cars, temporary cars, car seats and still trying to unpack the last of the boxes.  It was Dec. 18th before I got the Christmas stuff out of the garage and the tree up.  My parents changed their trip to April.  My sister in law got screwed and couldn't come.  Her man just got a new job and couldn't get off work.  Christmas was just in the tubes.  My perfect, easy Christmas just didn't come together.  Joel and I had to do a one day crash shopping trip.

But in the end, the kids were happy.  Momma got everything she wanted. (actually before Christmas)

The Tale of Two Schools

I knew at some point we would get to where we had kids in multiple schools.  But as long as they were in International schools I thought that would be a bit longer.  Unfortunately, it happened this year.  We could have made the choice to put all three kids in El Plantio, where the middle two go.  There was room for all three and Jocy could have walked them to and from school.  But we just didn't think it was a great fit for Jocy.  When we found out there was one spot for Year 6 at Cambridge House, we took it.  It's the best school in Valencia and would have loved to send all the kids there but the wait list is long.  We just lucked out!  Even Milly's class is already full.

Before school started, we asked her if she would be OK with being at a different school.  She said it was fine.  In fact, both Jocy and Elly were happy about it.  I think they wanted a break from being identified as Jocy's sister or Elly's sister.  They are quite different.  When we went for the Meet the Teacher Day, I knew Jocy was nervous.  But once she met the teacher, she was at home.  We had made the right decision.

Now, back then it didn't even dawn on me.  How could it be different?  But, oh it is.  The School Calendar.  Sigh.  I thought all the kids started on Sept 8th.  Thankfully, I looked.  Because we spend all of Sept 4 running around trying to get uniforms and books to start on Sept 5.  Then Jocy got out for Christmas break on Friday the 19th.  Makes sense.  But the other two had to go to school on Monday the 22nd.  What?  It worked out that Jocy got a day with Grandma without the other two but I still had to get up and fight the battle.  It was supposed to be Christmas break!

Well here we are again today.  I thought they were all going back to school.  A trip to the grocery store ALONE!  But when I double checked the school calendar, it said Holiday (pending confirmation)  Well I never got any confirmation!  So after dropping Jocy off at the bus stop, I drove by school.  30 minutes before school and they place is still dark.  Hmmm.  So I made the executive decision that the empty school was my confirmation.  So everyone is still sleeping, while I drink my coffee in silence.