The F word

I have been debating about writing this post for awhile.  I don't tend to share my problems with many people.  In fact, very few people original knew about it.  Even those that know now, were because I needed help.  I don't ask for help very often.  I have to be in a bad place to ask for help.  I have been called Supermom by many.  I can get thru ANYTHING.  It was my identity.  How do you deal when it is taken away?

Over the past five years, I have changed.  Physically, mental, and emotionally.  It was a slow change.  I just thought it was from having all these kids with busy schedules and a workaholic husband that tries to be helpful but not home or exhausted.  We have had a ton going on the last five year.  Then I noticed a bit more change after we had been in Istanbul for a year.  The breaking point seems to have been last January when Milly spent a week in the hospital.

I am not posting this to get sympathy.  I'm posting it to get it off my chest.  Let it be known.  Trying to deal with my guilt and the struggle I face daily.

In May 2014, I was officially diagnosed with Fibromyalgia.  Feb until the diagnoses, I was a complete and utter mess.  I could barely get out of bed.  I couldn't focus to hold a conversation.  I was starting to worry about my focus to drive.  And in Istanbul, that is flippin' scary.  I was exhausted ALL.THE.TIME.  I HURT ALL.THE.TIME.  Not shooting pains, but constant dull uncomfortable pain.  My foot and wrist would not heal.  I was gaining weight and eating nothing.  I couldn't ride in a car because my anxiety was out of control.  I had thought it was my postpartum but it never stopped.  Anything stressful, my body would just shutdown.  Finally, I knew I had to do something.  I couldn't live like this.  I called up my favorite place (Acibadem) and told the lady my issues.  She made me my first of many appointments.  After MANY blood tests, ultrasounds, etc, I was told I need to see a Rheumatologist.  This lady didn't speak great English so she was explaining it all in Turkish and my dear friend Ilknur translated for me.  I just didn't understand.  I didn't have arthritis.  It's muscle and nerve pain.  So, we made an appointment for a few days later.  I went straight home and google Rheumatologist.  And then I knew.  Crap.  Fibro.  That thing my mom said she had.  I kind of knew what it was.  But she didn't have the same issues as me.  I'm 35, I can't have it.  Wow was I wrong.

The woman I saw was great.  She said if you have a parent with it, you have a very good chance of having it too.  And it won't be the same.  No ones is the same.  She stopped checking trigger points at 15.  She didn't even have to ask if they hurt.  She suggested yoga, daily exercise, massage therapy, seeing a nutritionist and Cymbalta.  She said it would take a few weeks before I noticed a difference.  I had to go back and make sure my liver could handle it and then we would see where we were at.  I promptly went to the Chemist and got my drugs.  I started that night.  I really had no expectations but I hoped for just relief for the anxiety and fog.  The next morning, I felt like I different person.  Issues that I thought were part of getting older, gone.  I could actually get out of bed and walk to the bathroom without any effort.

So here we are Jan 2015.  My meds are still doing their thing.  Not quite as well, but I'm unwilling to up my dosage.  Not yet.  Thank the Lord, my anxiety is almost gone.  In really stressful situations, I still have to stop and breath.  My pain is still around daily.  But no where near what it was.  And usually just at the end of the day.  My trigger knots are flaring a ton.  I had found a fabulous massage therapist while we were back in Louisville.  If I could see her every week,  I would be in a much better place.  It is a daily battle.  I'm walking everyday and doing yoga.  I notice it helps.

So that is where I am at.  I hate that I can't do the things I was doing.  The weight is the biggest struggle.  And getting thru the day.  Thankfully, a 2pm nap makes it doable.  I'm going to keep working and not let it beat me.